Tuesday, February 15, 2005

went out with nes... with intentions of just going out to enjoy... just the both of us... however... dunno wat sparked the idea of going to holland v..... we should not have gone there in the first place...

ate at some place with lousy quality... den went to walk around the shopping centre... nes saw her tamagotchi... den we decided to meet her 'him' to get it... at the same time... i spottted something.... inside the display cabinet.... i could not take my eyes off it... as it reminded me of him.... he liked the thing.... i dunno wat made me buy it with the intention of giving it to him.... xiao tou didn't wan to go empty handed so went downstairs to buy some very expensive chocolates... i was just merely looking at them... wonder why i actually bought some in the end... next she said she needed a card.... i was looking thru... the designs... and i din noe why... i ended up buying one as well....

gosh the things dat i do for him.... there is no need for consideration.... harbouring hopes dat he might like it...

found a place to sit to design the card.... den went down to meet xiao tou's 'him'.... he came down from another lift so i din get to see his face... anyway... next was my turn... to give watever i have bought to him.... the time den was already 11 pm.....

i called him..... but he ended my calls.... i messaged him.... but he did not reply my messages.... so i just wondered why did it.... we went down to his place... no one was at home... the chocolates could not fit into the mailbox... it was already 12 at dat time... watever surprise or anything would not have been meaningful anymore... and after dat... we went down to holland v again in hopes dat he might have just ended work.... loiter outside his work place... but did not see him... hopes were all dashed.... so just took a cab home...

the journey back was quiet... i'm sorrie nes... i had no mood to talk.... i had no mood to do anything... i wished i could just throw everything into the bin.... luckily u have ur tamagotchi to make u happy enough.... dat's enough for u already.... i'm happy for u....

for me....
i dun understand a single thing.... why do i have to go thru so much when i know dat nothing will come out of it.... or rather the hopes for something good is very little.... why do i still have tears coming out when i thot i had totally ran out of them.... why do i do things for him without even thinking twice.... why do i place my hopes so high up in the sky knowing dat the chances of fufilling them is is little... and the most important thing.... i know i will fall and hurt myself badly in the end... but i still do it.... why do i allow myself to be hurt over and over again without ever realising.... and i'm not doing anything about it....

i cried again... and no amount of fanning will help... and as i type dis... tears are forming around my eyes... making vision blur...

i cannot take it any longer....









but i can't make myself give up on u....






dun bother about me....






i'm just making things difficult for myself....






although i say i hate u.....







it is all so obvious....






dat nothing is true.....






and dat u will always be in my heart....






i Y u always....

r a ! n a _____________*

The Ger



~*Serene ` Raina*~

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